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Opening the Tent: Intermarriage today
An article in Forward Magazine makes a case for intermarriage.
My feelings, honestly, are quite mixed. On one hand, I was raised in a one-religion household. My immediate and most of my extended family is some flavor of Christian--mostly Catholic, some Protestant, one Eastern Orthodox. (The outliers are Unitarian, Buddhist and...Jew-ish.)
I can see why people would say that a one-religion household (and even one-religion family) is optimal, as there is one standard religion for the children to learn and follow. The whole family shares it, so there are no potentially confusing conflicts to explain and mediate. It becomes a strong memory and a shared tradition.
On the other hand, what if that one religion doesn't cut it? I'm currently in the interesting position of a non-Jewish woman who loves and wants to marry a Jewish man and raise Jewish babies. Were I to convert before marriage, technically I would not be entering into an intermarriage. A marriage between two Jews is perfectly endogamous.
(Let's set aside for now the notion that not all Jews would accept my Conservative conversion.)
If I were, however, to raise my kids Jewish without being Jewish myself, it would raise the question of why I felt that they needed to be raised that way, when I didn't think I myself should be so, or needed to be. It's an odd dichotomy.
One of my vegetarian friends was raised vegetarian by his carnivorous mother, and he doesn't have a problem with it. He sees it more as a personal choice--his mother wanted him to have healthy eating habits, and decided that teaching him to be a vegetarian was a good way to start him off on the right foot.
I've been celebrating the Jewish holidays, going to Shabbat services about once a month or so, celebrating Shabbat dinner with friends, studying Torah at the synagogue, reading books upon books. My first experience in shul was Kol Nidre (I know, I know, intense, right?).
These past three years have been a great deal of fun and wonderfully nourishing.
Studying Torah is probably my favorite part. (Two Jews, three opinions? Good grief, try three Jews, six opinions. And then one will call a fourth one and you'll get four more.) I'm always sad when the last class rolls around because there's usually a longish break until the next one starts. More debate! More questions! More questions! Since when do you encounter a religion that actively encourages its members to think about its tenets and wrestle with them? I love how I can have one opinion about a midrash and someone else can have more or less the opposite view, and both of us are perfectly reasonably correct. I love how the best answer for a question is often, "It depends." I love the natural inquisitiveness and love for learning new things that Judaism has, and always has had.
To convert or not to convert? Am I ready or am I not ready?
My personal choice became an easy one.
How did I resolve my dilemma?
I'm converting the Conservative way (study, beit din, mikvah) in May, after about three years of study and practice. :D
Cooking for the holidays
There's a great article in Tablet Magazine about the challenges intermarried couples face when it's time to cook for the holidays. It also has some scrumptious-looking recipes: Moroccan harira, a hearty vegetable stew, a brisket, and a sweet noodle kugel.
For the brisket, you can substitute a firm tofu or seitan, and bake it for around 30 minutes rather than 4 hours. Marinating the tofu or seitan in the sauce in the refrigerator overnight will intensify the flavors.
The other two are vegetarian (use vegetable broth in the harira). I've been pretty lucky when it comes to cooking for the holidays. The High Holidays don't pose much of a problem for me, as my boyfriend's mother has the family over for dinner, and there aren't any special restrictions on the types of food that you can eat. For me, the need to respect both traditions comes to a head during Passover, which sometimes overlaps with Easter. Not being able to eat chametz at my lolas' houses makes for some creative finagling, especially when freshly-fried lumpia, wontons, and a great steaming wok full of pancit sit on the table, beckoning for me to eat some. The rules (at least, my lolas' rules) of hospitality dictate that guests can't go hungry; conversely, it's rude for guests not to take any food. The solution that's worked so far for us is to make a pan of matzah lasagna and bring it to her house. It usually disappears faster than you can say aiyiyi. It's gotten to the point where my cousins won't let us in the door without it ("Oooh, it's Passover? Did you bring matzah lasagna again?"). A family that adores matzah? I can live with that!Perhaps next year I can try riffing on a popular snack that my lola makes. Instead of frying wonton wrappers and then tossing them in cinnamon sugar, I can fry matzah and toss the pieces in cinnamon sugar... L'shanah tovah! May you have a sweet and happy year!
For the brisket, you can substitute a firm tofu or seitan, and bake it for around 30 minutes rather than 4 hours. Marinating the tofu or seitan in the sauce in the refrigerator overnight will intensify the flavors.
The other two are vegetarian (use vegetable broth in the harira). I've been pretty lucky when it comes to cooking for the holidays. The High Holidays don't pose much of a problem for me, as my boyfriend's mother has the family over for dinner, and there aren't any special restrictions on the types of food that you can eat. For me, the need to respect both traditions comes to a head during Passover, which sometimes overlaps with Easter. Not being able to eat chametz at my lolas' houses makes for some creative finagling, especially when freshly-fried lumpia, wontons, and a great steaming wok full of pancit sit on the table, beckoning for me to eat some. The rules (at least, my lolas' rules) of hospitality dictate that guests can't go hungry; conversely, it's rude for guests not to take any food. The solution that's worked so far for us is to make a pan of matzah lasagna and bring it to her house. It usually disappears faster than you can say aiyiyi. It's gotten to the point where my cousins won't let us in the door without it ("Oooh, it's Passover? Did you bring matzah lasagna again?"). A family that adores matzah? I can live with that!Perhaps next year I can try riffing on a popular snack that my lola makes. Instead of frying wonton wrappers and then tossing them in cinnamon sugar, I can fry matzah and toss the pieces in cinnamon sugar... L'shanah tovah! May you have a sweet and happy year!
Thoughts on an article in Asian Jewish Life: The endless Jewish audience
There's a great article in this fall's issue of Asian Jewish Life about one man's experience as a Japanese-American convert. I especially like how he compared his experience to Coleridge's Ancient Mariner, in that he might have to repeat, yet again, his conversion story for a new audience. What particularly struck me was how, early on, he and his wife used to state up front that he's a ger, specifically to avoid the questions. I see where he's coming from. It's annoying (and tiresome, even) to have to tell someone for the tenth time that no, I don't look like a "typical" Jew, yes, I converted, yes, I'm Jewish too, despite what your eyes might think. The thing is, if we Jews and "Jews" of color don't get out there, participate in Jewish life, and tell our stories, we always will have to deal with those questions. Check it out. Let me know your take in the comments.
Taking a little leap
After more than two years of going to services and events at shul, I'm finally becoming a dues-paying member. It was a wonderful feeling when I realized that the requirement to be Jewish had been taken off the membership form. As far as I know, my shul has the only keruv group in town, so this should not have surprised me. Why did it take so long for me to join? Money issues aside, it took me a while to feel comfortable enough with my identity as "Jew-ish" to be able to sit in shul and not feel like a complete outsider. I still have a feeling of separateness--after all, "Jew-ish" is not Jewish--but I'm not completely clueless either. I'm not yet at the point where I'm ready to present myself to the rabbi and ask to start the formal conversion process, but I know I'll get there.It may not be much, but it's where I am now.By the way, dehydrated oranges == awesome. They taste like the chewy orange candies I used to get in my Halloween swag. Candy with fiber! Have at it!
